Fat Girl Gone Thin

Yes, I know it’s been a while. My bad. But it’s been a bad week and sometimes all you want to do is eat microwave popcorn under a blanket on the couch instead of cook and write. Can I get an amen?

Anyways, enough time dwelling on how the universe has conspired against me and more about some deliciously good eats…

Last week the good weather got the better of me again and I decided it was time to dust off the smoker. What is it about the smell of fresh cut grass and spring flowers that makes my mind wander to thoughts of seared meat infused with some delightful smoky carcinogens?

Dreams of juicy chicken danced in my head all afternoon, but when I got to the store they were… out of chicken.

Yes – I said out of chicken. How this happens at a large grocery store chain in modern-day America is beyond my comprehension, but alas, it did.

I liken this situation to the gym being out of water or an espresso stand running out of fresh coffee. True, it could feasibly happen, but you still have to stop and wonder “what the hell?” when it actually does.

Thus forced by the cosmos into devising something more creative for my afternoon meal than chicken legs, I decided to grab a handful of brown meat – also known as mushrooms. This, plus a loaf of fresh crusty bread, some soft cheese, and I could make it a meal with an old favorite – smoked mushroom pate.

This of course was before the skies parted like Moses and the red sea with what I personally believe to have been millions of gallons of rain drops and a righteous wind to accompany it. Ten minutes into the ordeal, I turned off the smoker, grabbed my mushrooms and ran indoors.

Out with the Cuisinart, in with the mushroom and cheese. Fry pan with with olive oil. Toasting of the bread shortly after that, and poof! It was yumminess.

The next morning at work, my boss stopped by my desk and asked how my evening was, what did I do … all the usual niceties. So, as any foodie worth they stuff would do, I began to explain how I had stopped for chicken but there was none, that the rain had been so frustrating, and that I had spent nearly an hour smoking mushrooms and that my evening was quite lovely after that.

Again, my bad.

The silence that ensued for several awkward  moments after that was first confusing then mildly humiliating with just a pinch of humor. I will allow your mind to imagine the look of confusion on my supervisor’s face as I spent the next few minutes  explaining that I had in fact smoked mushrooms, like the kind from the store, in a meat smoker… not the kind that would likely have me packing my things into a small box and heading to HR.

To be extra certain, I felt compelled to bring some of the mushroom pate and bread to the office for a “tasting” the next day.

And this kids, is why you should never play with food. Because if you eat boring stuff, like potatoes and macaroni from a box, things like this don’t happen.

My bad.

Recipe for the pate is, as always, over in the corner – or at least it will be soon as I finish typing it up. Enjoy!

I’m not sure what it is that makes neurotic animals cute but neurotic people annoying.

Case in point: My mother’s cocker spaniel, Katie, has what can only be clinically defined as a “licking issue.” Often after a long nap, or simply while sitting on the couch, she will begin to lick the roof of her mouth, while simultaneously lifting her head, in an effort to remove some unforeseen food particle or perhaps merely to draw attention to herself.

This will continue for ten or fifteen minutes, at which point she will fall back asleep – only to wake up and begin the roof-of-mouth licking again.

In an effort to characterize this obsessive behavior, I have taken to calling this the “peanut butter syndrome” in relation to the human tongue-thrusting movement that often occurs after one has over-filled their PB sandwich and mouth-to-tongue gluing action has resulted.

This, of course, is not Katie’s only special attribute, as she is also prone to stealing socks from the laundry then running around the house, tossing them in the air with her nose, then pouncing on them like a cheetah. She also likes to wiggle across the carpet like a worm.

But because she is a dog, this is cute. Not weird.

Needless to say, when I decided to make a chocolate cake for my grandfather this weekend, and decided to use a peanut butter frosting, the result made me think of Katie and name this item the Rooftop Peanut Butter Cake.

In order to add some dramatic flare, I used four 6-inch cake pans to make this – with the result of a petite-sized high stacked cake. For some crunch, and the salty-sweet mix, I added crushed peanuts to the edges and drizzled chocolate down the sides.

Making the Cake:

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 cups white sugar
• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup cold coffee
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons vinegar

Preheat oven to 350°.

Combine the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Add the eggs, coffee, milk, oil and vinegar. Mix until smooth and creamy. Pour into four 6-inch pans (make sure these are greased heavily).

Bake about 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

The Frosting:

• 1 cup peanut butter (crunchy kind is the best)
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup half-and-half
• 4 tablespoons of soft butter

Cream all ingredients together in your mixer and set aside. Keep at room temperature.

Putting it all together:

When the cakes have finished cooking, remove them from the pans and wrap in plastic wrap. Pop them in the freezer for two hours. When the cakes are almost completely frozen, remove them from the freezer and take off the plastic wrap. Place paper towels on the four corners of your cake plate and set one of the cakes in the center, making sure that no part of the plate is showing on the bottom (you will pull these sheets out after you have frosted the cake and added the peanuts, so you don’t have to worry about making a mess).

Place a large scoop of frosting in the center of the first cake and use a knife to spread it evenly across the top. Add another cake and repeat the process till all four cakes have been stacked. Now begin to SLOWLY spread the frosting over the top and sides of the cake tower. Because the cakes are partially frozen, you don’t have to worry about them crumbling as easily, but still be gentle. Don’t worry about appearances though, the peanuts will cover all of that up.

Using a rolling pin or food processor, crush a 12-oz. can of salted cocktail peanuts. Press these into the side and top of the cake, using your hand to press them firmly into the frosting so that they take hold.

Using a double boiler or a bowl over the top of a pan of simmering water, melt 1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips. When melted, pour the chocolate into a sandwich-size Ziploc bag and use scissors to cut one corner of the bag. Make sure to keep this cut small. Gently tip the cake to the side and drizzle the chocolate down the sides, going in a circle, until you have gone around the cake.

Allow another hour for the cake to defrost completely – then serve it up with a big ‘ole glass of milk. Enjoy!

The Oscars are just a few hours away and in the spirit of the evening, I whipped up a few treats to make it painfully clear to my friends who I think should win best picture.

Chocolate coconut bird nests. In honor of Kevin from UP…

Now I’m off to watch the show.

This Tuesday was my father’s birthday. Sixty-five. A “big one” he tells me. So I invite the family over for dinner, on a week-night, which I know is a mistake.

But this is the least of my worries. What worries me are the varied palates that I have invited to my table.

I know my father’s food habits well. Nothing spicy, no bell peppers, no olives, no tofu. My sister is easy – no cake. For the most part, everyone else will eat anything that’s hot and put in front of them.

The only question left is my four-year-old nephew. Making something that passes his taste tests is more stressful, and might I say, more unpredictable,  than a visit from a New York Times food critic.

I started my grocery list with a text message to my sister:

“Do you think Kai would eat chicken?”

“He’ll eat it but only if there is no yucky stuff on it. Yucky stuff includes anything and everything. I’ll bring a bottle of wine.”

Later in a phone call, she added peeled cucumbers to the ok list.  I saw visions of a candlelit table with plates of unseasoned chicken, white rice and cucumber slices with candles stuck in them. Yumm.

As a general rule I try to make birthday dinners more exotic than the likes of the early bird special at the retirement home, but things were looking questionable.

At the store I scanned the isles for white food. Potatoes are white. Eggs are white. White cheese is white. But potatoes are boring if you can’t do anything to them and eggs have yolks, and those are yellow. I grabbed the cheese, a box of cous couse (it’s off-white, right?)

In the produce department, I went crazy. An eggplant, red onions, portabello mushrooms. It’s not a grown-up dinner if there isn’t at least one thing on the menu that gets rejected – so I decided to funnel all my crazy cookery into that.

Back in the meat department, it was cornish game hens. This because, (1) it is impressive to give everyone their own bird, (2) they’re easy to cook and (3) it’s just like a tiny chicken.

Home from work at 5:30 and dinner at 7:30 – I ran, literally ran, into the kitchen and turned on the oven. A gentle dusting of salt and pepper, and off they went to cook while I multi-tasked hiding unfolded laundry in my bedroom and washing dishes.

As the witching hour arrived, I sliced the veggies and threw them in a bag with some balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Grill, on. Off I went to set the table.

All told, dinner was ready 15 minutes late. In my mind it was a miracle. More of a miracle was that my nephew left with a tummy full of apples, “chicken” and, as he said, kookoo (this is cous cous in English).

As for my 9-year-old niece. Well, that is a different story. When you’re a bit older, old enough to know that chicken isn’t supposed to look like that and balsamic glaze isn’t exactly a regular in your lunchbox, cous cous seems like the only safe thing on the plate.

Oh well. You win some you lose some. As for the vegetable stack. It got hot praises from the adults at the table. Some even asked for seconds. If you’re interested, here’s the recipe:

Vegetable stacks with herbed ricotta

Slice one eggplant and two red onions about 1/2 inch thick. Place the slices, along with 6 portabello mushrooms (stems removed) in a Ziploc bag with a cup of balsamic vinegar and 1/2 cup olive oil. Allow them to marinate on the counter for two hours.

Grill the vegetable slices and mushrooms on each side for approx. 3 minutes. Just enough to caramelize the vinegar mixture and soften the veggies.

While the veggies grill, mix a small container of ricotta (10 oz.) with 1 tbl. basil and two gloves of minced garlic.

Arrange the mushrooms bottom-side up on a plate, place a dollop of ricotta on top. Add a layer of eggplant and another dollop of ricotta. Finally, add a layer of onion and a final dollop of ricotta.

You can continue to stack these as high as you like, but I stuck with one round of each vegetable.